Losing Myself Again
Mandy
Silence and darkness surrounded me, I didn’t feel my heart hurt as much, but I knew exactly what nightmare I was in.
I hated this, my reality was messed up already and my sleep was filled with nightmares instead of dreams. I shit my eyes tightly refusing to see it again. Refused to relive this moment for another numerous and nothing changed. It all ended in tragedy, it all led to my son being ripped away from me forcefully.
“No,” I said in a whisper. Immediately I heard the crying tone. I didn’t want to see it again, I didn’t want to hear any of it.
“Don’t, stop it,” My eyes were shut tightly, and my hands covered my ears trying to block the sound I heard.
I just wanted my child, I only wanted him.
“What wrong did I do for the universe to treat me this way,” I thought to myself…
“Is it because I tried to abort the child?” I said out loud asking no one in particular as I heard droplets of water in the darkness.
“I’m sorry I tried to take it away,” I said crying
” I wanted it so bad. I became excited for this child. Please don’t punish me,” My nose drizzled and I felt my heart breaking on its own
“Don’t let this happen to me,” my breathing hitched. I felt my body become so cold as I talked to no one in particular but just laid off my burden to the universe.
“I’m so sorry,” I folded myself and wept bitterly….
“Give me Ryan,” I heard the crying voice of a baby, getting louder in the darkness
“Just give me back my baby,” I whisper, breathing in and out when I hear the beeping sounds of the ECG machine causing me to turn my head sideways as I flutter my eyes open…
I looked around, trying to take into context my surroundings, when someone rushed to me calling my name in a familiar voice. I turned and started noticing it was Christian who looked at me with concern.
“Christian,” I passed a light smile to him, and he kissed my forehead smiling in relief while he stared at me.
“Back to this nightmare of a reality,” I thought to myself and sighed while he dragged a seat and rubbed my knuckles while staring at me.
“Don’t scare me like that again,” he said and kissed my hands while I looked at him.
“I wasn’t trying to scare you. I just wanted to feel,” I wanted to say that to him, I tried to open my mouth and say those words but instead I gave him a tight smile drifting to my thoughts…
He doesn’t know it but right now it scared me the most. I could see myself being that baggage again, going back to that sadness and craving for the comfort it gave to me even though I knew it was bad for me.
I could feel myself slowly drifting. It was happening and I’m trying not to give into it. I’m trying hard not to be sad again. I don’t want to go back to it, I don’t want that darkness in my heart.
I am so scared of what will happen next, I feel terrified by the thought that more bad things are going to happen to me. I’m so scared of what I could do to myself if this numbness continues
“I hate it, I hate this me. I hate this girl, I hate myself,” I scream in my head, crying silently without saying it out in words.
“Can’t you all see? I’m losing myself again. I’m so terrified and alone,” I said to my inner self.
I was in a conversation with myself, screaming mad begging for help in my head. I am so terrified, I want the pain to stop. I want it to end before I do something I would regret…
“Please…” I cried silently to myself…
“Just stop,” I said in a crying tone inwardly.
I have been so happy for so long since I had Christian in my life and every time I have to watch my back I feel like it would be ripped off from me soon. I just feared that something bad would happen and the happiness wouldn’t last for long.
And it did, all I can think of right now is the feeling that something worse might happen to me…
I looked over at Christian who had already left the room, making me wonder how long I had been in my head and tearing up silently…
I looked at my hands that were wrapped with bandages as a sigh escaped my lips. I knew it might leave a scar but that didn’t bother me. It was working for just a few minutes until I was brought here and brought back to my shitty reality…
I dragged myself out of the bed carefully. Whether I accepted it or not, I felt very weak. It was like I was completely drained. I leaped slowly till I got to my doorknob.
I turned it around and stuck my head outside noticing no one was on the watch for me, which completely was a dumb move.ConTEent bel0ngs to Nôv(e)lD/rama(.)Org .
“Hi,” I hailed at a nurse who walked around with a file in her head. She looked at me and rushed to support me as I was leaping. I leaned on her and chuckled softly grateful for her help.
“Aren’t you supposed to be resting?” She asked me immediately to help me sit in a wheelchair.
“Yes, but I’m looking for my husband. Have you seen him?” I asked her and she smiled nodding.
“He went out to get you something to eat,” she said and smiled warmly at me while I thanked her.
“I guess I’ll wait for him back. I’m in the room,” I lied and she rubbed my shoulders softly before going off to what she was bruised with.
Once she left I got up from the wheelchair and walked to another direction that led to the entrance of the hospital. I wanted to get some fresh air. It’s been a while since I felt some of that on my skin. I walked carefully, got on the elevator, and walked outside the hospital, closing my eyes and inhaling for a brief moment before opening my eyes.
I looked at the busy roads and the cars driving through and fro in a hurry. It was refreshing and I watched it but when you turned around I saw nothing.
I walked to the road, clearly seeing the red sign but my impulsive thought was activated. I felt the impulsive thought take over me as I moved my body in front of a moving car that was coming at full speed.
” Failure!” I heard in my head as I closed my eyes ignoring the screams of people around me and the honking of the car, when I felt a hard push, making me smile like a psycho, happy the deed was done…
“Have you gone nuts kitten?” I heard that familiar voice that sent chills running down my eyes.
I opened my eyes, hoping it was not true, but I guess I was wrong as my eyes landed on him, the man with the mask.
“Hello kitten,” he bent over, staring at me, letting me see his beautiful eyes, as he picked me up and pulled me away…
“Where are you taking me too?” I asked, struggling but who was I kidding? I knew I was completely weak after draining my blood.
“To your death,” he said and lifted me in bridal style, throwing me into a car, and closing it up before I could scream for help…
“Oh my God,”
“What have I gotten myself into?” I was terrified…
“Help me,” I screamed and hit the car as hard as I could…
“Christian,” I yelled at the top of my lungs, fear gripping me immediately as the car started to move.
“Please,” I cried now silently terrified and wondering if this was my worst. Was this what I had already thought about? I sniffed in…