Always Been You

~Dante~

I had so many opportunities to tell Lola how I felt. I wasn’t brave like the 16-year-old me. When I told her I’d be her Prince Charming and she’d be my princess when she reached the age of consent, I meant it. She kept the promise and valued the promise. She never complained when she saw me with my latest flings. She was there for me, hurting and wishing I would one day remember our promise. It’s not like I didn’t remember the promise. I couldn’t tell her how I felt. I just couldn’t. I had a reason to leave work early because I had someone waiting for me. She was there to celebrate every achievement with me. She was my rock. If only I had been bold enough, she couldn’t have left. If only I had told her how I felt on her prom night. If only I had come clean on our dinner date. I was so stupid. I would take her on dinner dates, wanting to tell her I loved her, but those three words wouldn’t come out. I wasted time, and the ifs don’t matter now because I lost her. I lost my smile keeper. I watched the girl I loved grow up, knowing she was mine. I watched her grow into the woman she is now, but still, I couldn’t tell her; I kept hurting her. On our last night together, I should have known she was reminding me of the promise I broke. Why did she have to remind me of that promise we made all those years ago and then abandon me without giving me the opportunity to explain that I had been in love with her since she was 16?

Why would she wait for me? Who am I kidding? I took her innocence and told her we couldn’t be. I lied to her that day. I was afraid if I told her I loved her, I would lose her. I was scared that she would start talking about Candice. I wanted to keep her around, even if I couldn’t have her. It was a very difficult thing to do because Lola was a temptation. She was a drug, and I let her down. How can I fix this when I wasn’t given a chance to fix it? So how do I explain to her that it has always been her and her alone? What have I done? I have been busy planning to marry another woman, forgetting the promises I made. Trust has been broken. Promises I never kept are broken. It was never her fault. It was all me. I only have myself to blame for everything. I knew I would never love anyone else the way I loved Lola, but what have I done? My mother even made me marry her, but still, I couldn’t come clean. The day she handed me the divorce papers, I had a chance to not sign them and tell her I wanted us to work. But like a fool, I signed. Will I ever have a chance to mend this? Where do I even start looking for the love of my life? She was there for me, waiting for me to man up, but I failed terribly. Sex with Lola felt right. Sex with Candice has never felt right, not even a single day. It has always felt like I was cheating on someone. The signs were there, but I failed to see them. I would fight with Candice, and she would even advise me to go back to Candice. She wanted me to be happy, but what I had with Candice was never love. It was lust. Fucking is what we did with no connection. She was there to give herself to me. But sex with Lola was filled with a lot of emotions. She made me feel things I had never felt with any woman. Making love to Lola had a meaning. Since our wedding day, I have always wanted to have her every day, but I told her we couldn’t be together. I gave her a reason to leave. Maybe I could have left a message in one of her favorite flowers each time I sent them to her. I literally sent her white roses every day. I could have maybe left a message there. But how do you tell a girl you watched grow how you feel about her?

I sighed and walked inside my walk-in closet and took our memory box, then walked back to my bedroom and fell back on the bed. Looking at the first picture of a 9-year-old little Lola and a 16-year-old me, I smiled and fought tears because I knew I messed up. She didn’t even take this box with her. Does that mean she wanted to forget all about me? The box had all sorts of pictures: our dates, our birthday celebrations. On our trips outside the US, I took the last picture. It was the picture of her on her prom day with me. As I was about to put the picture away, I felt there was something behind the picture. I flipped the picture over, and I saw a letter attached to the picture. I opened it up and started reading.Belonging © NôvelDram/a.Org.

To: My dearest knight in shining armor

To my Prince Charming, I know you won’t probably read this. We have grown so much that we now have the weight of the world on our shoulders. Promises were made and promises were broken. I have been writing letters since we made that promise. But I never got to give you any of the letters because each time I tried to be brave, you would show up with your latest fling. I never complained. As long as I got to be your friend and your little sister, I was okay. Learning to get over you was one of the hardest things to do. When I met you, I thought you were the most beautiful spaceman I had ever seen. I liked you, and I want to be your princess. It was childlike love then, and we made promises, one of which I kept even though I didn’t know what I was doing. When I turned 16, I developed feelings for you, and I couldn’t control how I felt. It was hard to watch you with your latest flings in magazines every week.

I didn’t even recognize the jealousy I had back then, but I learned to live with it. I loved you so much that I had to understand that I wasn’t of age. I was so sure that you were the one, but life had other plans for us. So many times you took me out, I thought you would tell me I wasn’t the only one feeling the connection between us. So many times I waited to hear that L word coming from your mouth. I was so sure about my prom night, but nothing happened. Then there were my birthdays and our late-night dinner dates; I guess I expected too much from you. I thought you would continue with your flings, but then Candice came along. I saw how you looked at her and how you loved her. That’s when I knew there would never be us. I learned to be your sister and your best friend and gave up the fairytale. I became an altruist and let you be happy with the one you love. I was okay.

I won’t lie. It took me a while to get used to the idea that you wanted Candice, not me. Candice was cool and lively. Seeing you with her was hard, but I got over it. I wanted to let you know that. You were the best, even though the promises we made were broken. I also wanted to let you know that during that week when I stayed out, I wasn’t with a man. I lied because I wanted to see your reaction, and I lied that I started having sex. I wanted you to be my first. But then that will never happen since you are happy with Candice. As long as I get to be around you and be your best friend, I’m okay. After all, that’s what friends are for.

With love, Your Princess (Lolita) I tried to process everything, but I failed. What have I done? She felt the same way about me this whole time. What have you done, Dante Monroe?